The Origin Story: Untangling Your Marriage, A Guide to Collaborative Divorce, by Nanci A. Smith

December 28, 2022 | By Women Writers Women Books | Reply More

I love to write. I also love helping people through their divorce process.

In 2005, I was introduced to the concept of Collaborative Divorce, an interdisciplinary, voluntary, out of court divorce settlement process. I was attracted to the concept of an amicable, peaceful divorce, which was the antithesis to my then existing family law litigation practice. The creators of the process called it a “paradigm shift” for lawyers.

Over time, I noticed how slow the movement was to catch on-not only among my legal peers in the family bar, but also among the public. Potential clients who called me never seemed to know about Collaborative Divorce, until I explained it to them. Most thought it sounded “like a great idea,” a “really sensible process,” and they “loved it.” They just didn’t know how to explain it to their spouse, and often had a hard time finding divorce attorneys in their area who practiced Collaborative Divorce. So, we built our networks of like-minded lawyers, mental health professionals and financial planners, slowly, over time, and across the country. Now, Collaborative Divorce is practiced in every state in the country, and it is recognized by the American Bar Association as a form of “limited representation,” because this is a strictly, out of court settlement option.

Around March 2018, the thought occurred to me that “I should write a book” about Collaborative Divorce so that the public understands what it is before they start interviewing divorce attorneys. If I wrote the book, then the clients would be prepared for their initial consultations with their divorce attorneys. They could advocate for what they wanted, instead of conforming to the traditional way of doing things.

As fate would have it, I went to a women’s networking event and I met Paula Diaco, a development editor. I did not know what that was, but I did know at least two other things by then: first, I wanted the book published by a reputable publisher; and second, I needed to get going. I sought the external validation from a traditional publisher, so I could feel that the work was objectively valuable. I did not want my ego thinking that I had a great idea and that I should just go out there and self-publish. This was not a vanity project. It was also around this time, that my leadership book group, with Susan Palmer, read Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert. My main takeaway from that book was that “The Muse” does not stand by waiting to be heard. Either I sat down, asked for guidance, and wrote the book, or someone else would write it for me. I had found my voice and I humbly believed that I could contribute something useful to the world, if the world wanted to hear it.

In the summer of 2018, Paula invited me to a Vermont Author Guild event where authors (I didn’t think I was “an author” at that point, just an aspiring one) could meet literary agents. I bought the last ticket and was the last person to pitch for that day. I connected with Katharine Sands. Now the real work of getting a book published, began.

I learned my genre was called “prescriptive non-fiction.” I learned that, unlike a novel, I did not have to have the manuscript completed before it could be pitched to a publisher.

I learned that there was quite a bit of work to be done, in addition to writing the book. We created the annotated table of contents, the final pitch, the synopsis, the query letter, etc., for the agent. Then I waited. I received many rejections.

I learned that I needed to “build a platform,” which, of course, I didn’t have at that time, since I was “building my business” and “building my skills” as an attorney. I did not have an account on any social media platform. I started writing blogs and created my LinkedIn page. I also dedicated at least an hour every night to write. Instead of watching the news, which was depressing me anyway, I turned on some tunes, and wrote the chapters, one at a time. The pandemic was happening, and I had no social life anyway. I was energized and feeling productive and reasonably confident that someone would publish my book. Time ticked on, and there was very little interest or action. My agent assured me that the book would find a home, but I was losing faith and about to put this dream behind me.

In September 2021, Rowman & Littlefield offered to publish my book. By then, it was three quarters complete. The manuscript was due January 5, 2022.

I needed a change of scene. I took myself to Santa Fe, New Mexico, for my birthday that year, in December. I sought inspiration from the people, the land, and the art. I spent ten days there. When people asked me what I did for a living, I told them I was an author, writing a book. The reaction was so warm and reassuring. I felt connected to a creative community for the first time in my life. I ate great food, made new friends, and will never forget the moment that I finished my last sentence. I took a deep breath, hit save, and closed the laptop. I felt a palpable surge of adrenaline. I needed to take a hot shower as I was literally shaking.

I delivered the book on time. We worked on the cover art, did some minor editing, and then it was released in October 2022. I hope you enjoy it. I hope it helps.

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Nanci A. Smith, Esq., is an attorney licensed to practice in Vermont and New York. She is the chair of the Collaborative Divorce section of the Vermont Bar Association, a leader in her collaborative divorce practice group, and a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. She frequently writes and talks about divorce, family law, ethics, and collaborative divorce practices. She believes that a good divorce is possible when you show up for it with humility, compassion, and the correct support. Smith is the author of Untangling Your Marriage: A Guide to Collaborative Divorce (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Oct 11, 2022). Learn more at nancismithlaw.com.

UNTANGLING YOUR MARRIAGE; A GUIDE TO COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE

Divorce is hard, but it doesn’t have to be so painful. Collaborative Divorce offers a different, more peaceful path to ending a marriage; this book shows you how to do it.

Divorce is like a death in the family, except no one is bringing you food.

This book is a myth buster, and an antidote to the negative messaging about divorce. It offers hope and encouragement for the reader to choose a divorce process that aligns with their own core values. Values such as dignity, mutual respect, integrity, and compassion. It offers the reader an introduction to Collaborative Divorce, both the mindset and the process, as it has been established and practiced for the past thirty years. Collaborative divorce is an interdisciplinary, non-adversarial divorce model. It is like mediation on steroids.

Divorce is a complex process. It involves legal, psychological, and financial considerations. Collaborative divorce uses an interdisciplinary approach, and it is not dominated by the lawyers and is more cost efficient. A skillful mental health coach addresses emotional issues such as anger, sadness, rage, betrayal, guilt, shame, excitement, relief, and acceptance for everyone in the family. The financial neutral will collect, organize, analyze, and present the financial resources of the couple in a way to ensure an equal understanding of what can often feel like overwhelming amount of data. The lawyers provide legal advice.

The core focus of the book is to reframe divorce from a shame and blame game to a paradigm where divorce is viewed through the lens of grief. It offers each reader an opportunity to show up for their divorce and present their best selves, even if they don’t feel like it. It emphasizes honor and respect for everyone involved.

This book is an open and honest portrayal of divorce from the perspective of a veteran divorce attorney, who has also been divorced. We live in a time of volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity. A divorce is just like that, and the antidote to those conditions include concepts like collaboration, deep listening, innovation, flexibility, and an ability to pivot.

Collaborative divorce is the best kept secret of family lawyers. It is an opportunity to emerge from a divorce, healthy and wholehearted, not bitter, and resentful. Learn how to do it here.

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