Writing the “S Word”: Navigating Sex In Your Story

“I read your book. … After I read the sex scene, I had to go to confession.”

That is what one of my college friends told me when he called our house to talk to my husband. Part of me was extremely happy about that, and part of me paused, realizing that friends and family (including my mother) had all read that scene. 

I decided I didn’t particularly want to ponder what my mother might have thought, but the comment did get me thinking about the challenge of writing sex scenes. 

Sex scenes can evoke some strong feelings from writers. Some writers revel in writing them, looking for ways to create scenes that will leave readers hot and bothered. Others would prefer to not touch the subject with the proverbial 10-foot pole. Both reactions are fine. A writer needs to be true to their own story and characters. Sex, however, is a fundamental part of life — so every single character you write is influenced by sex in one way or another, for better or worse.

So—that still puts writers in a bit of a predicament. If sex is part of your story, how do you handle it? Good sex scenes, in my opinion, are extremely hard to write. For many writers, they don’t come naturally. They certainly didn’t for me, and I struggled with how to handle sex in my stories (I still do).

I don’t want them to sound like over-the-top romance novels. On the flip side, straight up, just-the-facts-Jack sex isn’t all that sexy, or it’s so detailed and graphic, you’ve landed in the erotica genre. Hopefully, I land somewhere in the middle. (Just to be clear — there is nothing wrong with how romance authors write sex scenes or how erotica authors write them; it just those two approaches aren’t really my style.)

If you’re looking for a clear formula here — A + B + C = great sex scene — I’m afraid I don’t have that equation for you. What I do have are some tips you should think about when pondering how to approach sex in your stories.

Make sure the sex adds something to your story. It should be an enhancement, not a distraction. In her own article on this very topic, author J. T. Ellison said, “The fragility, humanity, or pure assholeness of a lead can be fully examined if they are naked.” I couldn’t agree more. How your character views sex, and partakes in it, can communicate so much about who that person is deep down inside.

You’re not going to be better at them if you don’t write them. If your style is to never have a sex scene in your story, that’s totally OK. It is your story and you need to tell it your way. But if you do want them, practice. And get some feedback from someone you trust, which means …

Don’t be ashamed to share. Find someone you trust who will read your scenes and give you feedback. Maybe it is a friend, your spouse, or a fellow writer. And when they do give you feedback, be open to what they say.

Read! And then read some more. Find some authors you think do sex scenes really well and read those scenes. Break them down and think about what makes them work so well. What techniques can you employ to get that same quality into your own writing? To get you started, check out this BookFox article that showcases 50 literary sex scenes. You may not like all of them, but you can learn something from each one.

Sex is more about the emotions than the act itself. A sex scene isn’t all about “he touched her here” and “she rubbed him there.” While I think describing some of the physicality is important, how the characters feel is more important. That’s what your readers connect with. Does your character feel sad because, although he is fond of the woman he’s being intimate with, he’s really pining for his deceased wife? Is your character terrified because she’s in a position of having sex when she’s not ready? Is your character angry over previous betrayals and wants to use the intimacy of sex to get revenge?

In your story, it is about your characters, not about you. Sex is an intimate, personal act, and you are bound to have people imply or ask outright if your sex scenes are based on your own personal experiences. You should be writing about sex the way your characters feel about it and how it has shaped them, and that may be very, very different from your own experiences. Try to take yourself out of it and see the act through the eyes of your characters. Here’s just one example: in your personal life, you may have no issue with pre-marital sex or extra-marital sex, but if your character has very strong religious beliefs, he or she may feel the exact opposite.

There is truth in sex, and you need to find it. This goes back to having the sex in your story add something and be about emotional connection (or disconnection, depending on your character). But I also believe you see truth in sex when it isn’t perfect. People fumble, make mistakes, embarrass themselves, say the wrong thing … it all adds up to awkward, but truthful, situations that readers can relate to. Yes, sometimes your story calls for mind-blowing intimate perfection. And sometimes it calls for a sparkler instead of fireworks. 

Watch your language. And by that, I mean be authentic. Don’t get super clinical with your vocabulary unless there is a legitimate reason for your characters to use those words. Slang words and euphemisms are what people use — and they’re what your characters would use, too.Robert Wood noted that, “Some people find accurate terminology too cold, some find slang offensive, and some find metaphors silly. The best advice is to opt for whichever you prefer.” That’s great advice. Be true to yourself, your characters and your genre.

Everyone will have an opinion. Some readers won’t think you have enough sex in your story, and some will be the opposite. Remember you’re never going to please everyone, so make sure you are happy with what you’ve written, and that you believe the sex portrayed adds truth, depth or emotion to your characters and your story.

Every sex scene I’ve written has taught me something — about me as writer or about my characters. It has taken a lot of less-than-stellar scenes to get to where I am now, and I still have plenty of places to improve. Will every scene make you want to go to confession? Probably not, but for me, it is nice to know I can go there if I want to.

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SUSAN K. HAMILTON: Susan K. Hamilton is the award-winning author of epic, dark, and urban fantasy books including Shadow King, Darkstar Rising, and the forthcoming The Devil Inside. She’s also dipped her toe in the short story pond and had her work included in two short story anthologies from Writing Bloc: ESCAPE! (2018) and DECEPTION! (releasing 2020).

Horse-crazy since she was a little girl, she also loves comfy jeans, pizza, great stand-up comedy, and pretty much every furry creature on the planet (except spiders). Susan lives near Boston with her husband and a cat who runs the house like a boss.

 

LINKS:

JT Ellison: https://www.jtellison.com/lets-talk-about-sex

Fox 50 Examples: https://thejohnfox.com/sex-scenes-in-books/

Robert Wood: https://www.standoutbooks.com/sex-scene/

 

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips