Writing the Story I Once Tried to Survive By Nikki Laycy
By Nikki Laycy, author of Out of the Shadows – From Despair to Self-Acceptance and Love
There is something very different about living through painful experiences and sitting down years later to write about them. When I was living through some of the darkest periods of my life, I wasn’t thinking about what they meant or how they were shaping me. I was just simply trying to survive.
I learned to read the atmosphere around me very quickly. I learned when to speak and when to stay quiet. I learned to watch people’s moods, question my own feelings and change myself to keep the peace. Years later, I sat in front of a blank page and decided I was finally going to find the words for everything I had once kept silent. I thought writing Out of the Shadows would simply mean telling the story of my past.
Instead, I had to go back and meet the woman I used to be.
Giving a voice to what I once kept silent
Some of my deepest wounds began in the place where a child should feel safest: at home. Growing up with a narcissistic mother and stepfather affected the way I saw myself from an early age. When certain behaviours are normalised throughout childhood, you don’t necessarily recognise the damage they are causing. You simply learn to adapt. Those early experiences followed me into adulthood. Later, I found myself in a controlling relationship where, little by little, I began losing the person I had worked so hard to become.
The difficult thing about emotional control is that it doesn’t always arrive loudly. Sometimes it happens so gradually that you don’t realise how much of yourself you have given away. You begin questioning everything.
Am I too sensitive? Did that really happen? Was it my fault? Perhaps if I were quieter, kinder or more understanding, things would change.
Writing forced me to confront those questions. There were moments when I wanted to reach into the pages, put my arms around the younger version of myself and tell her, You didn’t deserve this. Then came a realisation that stopped me in my tracks.
Why could I feel so much compassion for the woman on the page when, for so many years, I had struggled to offer that same compassion to myself?
How much truth was I prepared to tell?
Writing such a personal memoir meant asking myself an important question: how honest was I prepared to be? There were experiences I could have left out or softened. I could have rewritten moments to make myself appear stronger or wiser. But that wouldn’t have been my story. The truth is, I didn’t always know what to do. I doubted myself. I made mistakes. I stayed in situations longer than I should have. I experienced moments of strength followed by times when I felt I had gone backwards.
Healing wasn’t a beautiful, straight road. It was messy.
If my book was going to mean something to somebody else, I felt I had to be truthful about that. I wanted the person sitting alone, questioning their own life or relationship, to read my words and think, Someone else understands. That mattered more to me than appearing perfect.
I also learned that memory doesn’t work like a recording. I couldn’t remember every conversation word for word, nor did I try to. I remembered the fear, confusion and loneliness. I remembered constantly questioning myself and making myself smaller so somebody else could feel bigger. Most importantly, I remembered the gradual awakening within me when I began to wonder whether perhaps I wasn’t the person I had been led to believe I was.
For anyone considering writing their own painful story, I would say this: don’t believe your story isn’t worth telling because you cannot remember every tiny detail. Sometimes the feeling is what you remember most clearly. And sometimes that is where the most powerful truth lives.
Knowing when to stop writing
There were days when writing became too much. Eventually, I learned that I didn’t have to force myself through those moments simply because I had a book to finish.
I walked outside. I meditated. I allowed myself to be still and returned to the spirituality that had become such an important part of rebuilding my life. I learned that you are allowed to have boundaries with your own story and that the pages will still be there tomorrow.
Trusting the unknown
Spirituality has played an enormous part in my journey. Today, I work as a spiritual medium, Reiki Master Teacher, author and healer, but my relationship with the spiritual world began long before I understood where it would eventually lead me Learning to trust the unknown helped me begin trusting myself again.
The woman who finished the book
When I finally finished Out of the Shadows, I realised the woman who completed the book wasn’t quite the same woman who had started it. Writing didn’t erase what happened or make every painful memory disappear. It simply allowed me to see my life differently.
For years, I had looked at my past through the eyes of the woman who had been hurt by it. Writing allowed me to see the woman who had survived it.
Out of the Shadows isn’t a story about becoming somebody extraordinary. For me, it is about finally giving myself permission to become me.
So, if you are considering writing your own difficult story, don’t worry about making yourself the hero. Write about the woman who was frightened, questioned herself, who made mistakes, who fell back down and most importantly about the woman who found strength to stand back up. And lastly write about the woman who survived.
Then, when you reach the final page, look back at the person you met on the first.
You might understand her differently.
You might forgive her.
You might even discover that you love her, I know I did.
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With over 30 years of experience, Nikki Laycy has dedicated her life to helping others explore their spiritual path. As a qualified Reiki Master Teacher, professional medium,
intuitive mentor and author, she has worked with people from all walks of life, supporting them through personal growth, spiritual exploration and self-discovery. Nikki lives
in Wales and is Director of Age of Awakening Ltd.
Out of the Shadows: From Despair to Self-Acceptance and Love
“Out of the Shadows” is a profound journey of resilience and hope that invites readers to explore the depths of human emotion. In this gripping narrative, the author unveils personal struggles, illuminating the path from darkness to light. Through raw honesty and vivid storytelling, the book captures the essence of overcoming adversity and finding strength in vulnerability. Each page offers an intimate glimpse into the battles faced and the triumphs achieved, making it a compelling read for anyone searching for inspiration. Join this powerful exploration of self-discovery and healing, and emerge with a renewed sense of courage and purpose.
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