Finding My Voice: Why I Wrote Unbreakable: Rising Above an Abusive Marriage

By Joni Parker Thomas

I wrote Unbreakable: Rising Above an Abusive Marriage to help other women who have suffered domestic violence find the strength to protect themselves and their children. Too often, abusers hide behind a “Mr. Nice Guy” façade to lure women into relationships, only to reveal their cruelty later.

I never imagined I would become a victim of domestic violence. I grew up in a loving home where disagreements were resolved through communication and compromise, not control or violence. My parents’ marriage—and those of my extended family—showed mutual respect and care. I was blessed with a happy childhood surrounded by people who believed in me.

In my book, I urge women to remember the people who once reminded them of their worth. When you live under constant criticism and fear, it’s easy to forget who you are. Abuse slowly erodes self-esteem until you begin to doubt your own judgment.

When I finally gathered the courage to file for divorce, my husband’s behavior had turned dangerous—not only toward me but also toward our young son. He began taking out his anger and PTSD-related anxiety on our six-year-old, dragging and yelling at him. I knew I had to act.

On April 4, 2011, he attacked me again late at night while I was watching the news. We hadn’t even been arguing. His paranoia had been growing, and he’d started sleeping with an AR-15 rifle by his bedside. Out of fear, I slept in our baby’s room. That night, he chest-butted and spat at me, threatening to break my neck. As he kept returning to the bedroom where the gun was, I felt a quiet voice inside say, “Joni, it’s time to call the police.”

I dialed 911 and told the dispatcher that my husband, a veteran with PTSD, had attacked me. Within minutes, a SWAT team arrived and they safely got me out of the house. After my husband surrendered, then the police safeguarded my two young children in their bedrooms. It was an agonizing night, and in hindsight I would never leave my sons inside during a violent PTSD episode, but the police ordered me to come out the front door alone. I am deeply grateful that the SWAT team made sure my children were safe once they secured the situation.

As in so many cases of domestic violence, the next day brought apologies and promises to change. I knew better. When he demanded that I retrieve his AR-15 from the police, I instead called the Domestic Violence Intervention Service (DVIS) in Tulsa and obtained an Emergency Protective Order.

Oklahoma has consistently ranked among the top five states for domestic violence, yet I was naïve to think my divorce would be over quickly. Although state statutes to protect victims are relatively strong, many judges fail to enforce them. What followed was a seven-and-a-half-year legal battle that left me emotionally and financially drained.

Attorneys dragged out the case, exploiting every delay to increase fees, while judges ignored evidence and minimized abuse. My constitutional rights to due process were violated. Unfortunately, my story is not unique. For countless middle-income women in Oklahoma and across the U.S., prolonged litigation is common—and devastating.

Friends encouraged me to write about my experience to expose the corruption in family court. I’d previously lived in the Middle East, where spousal abuse is often tolerated under Sharia law, and I was shocked to find similar patterns of indifference here in the United States. Instead of receiving protection, I was re-victimized—forced into years of court hearings before judges who appeared to sympathize more with my abuser than with my children and me.

Even after my husband admitted to a custody evaluator that he had strangled me, the judge downplayed the abuse. Oklahoma law clearly states that when there is evidence of domestic violence, joint custody should never be awarded. Yet the judge ignored the statute and granted joint custody, putting my young sons in harm’s way.

By 2015, I had documented at least eight separate occasions when my children returned from visits with bruises and signs of emotional trauma. A licensed play therapist with 18 years of forensic experience testified on their behalf, but her testimony was dismissed. The judge simply refused to believe that the abuse was happening.

I wrote Unbreakable to warn other women about the unfair tactics often used by attorneys defending abusers—and by judges who fail to hold violent men accountable. Oklahoma has a severe domestic-violence problem: in 2024, it ranked first in the nation for abuse and second for intimate-partner homicide. The laws themselves are not the problem; it’s the lack of enforcement that enables the cycle to continue.

My hope is that my story will prepare other women for what they may face when they try to escape an abusive marriage. The family court system can be brutal, and the victim-blaming culture that still exists makes it even harder for survivors to be heard.

By sharing my journey, I want women to know they are not alone—and that even in the darkest moments, there is a path forward. Freedom is possible. Healing is possible. And every woman deserves the chance to rebuild her life and protect her children without fear.

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About the Author
Joni Parker Thomas is an author, advocate, and survivor of domestic violence. Her memoir Unbreakable: Rising Above an Abusive Marriage chronicles her seven-and-a-half-year battle through the Oklahoma family-court system. Today she uses her experience to raise awareness about coercive control, weaponized litigation, and systemic bias in family law. She lives in Oklahoma with her two children.

Unbreakable: Rising Above an Abusive Marriage

A powerful memoir of survival, resilience, and reclaiming one’s voice in the face of domestic violence. When Joni Parker Thomas made the courageous decision to leave her abusive marriage, she believed the worst was behind her. But what followed was an unimaginable battle not just with her former spouse—but with a deeply flawed family court system in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that seemed determined to silence and victimize her again.

Unbreakable is more than one woman’s story of survival and finding inner strength—it’s a raw, unflinching look at how institutional apathy, gender bias, and legal loopholes fail the very people they are meant to protect. Joni’s experience mirrors that of countless women who discover escaping domestic violence is only the beginning.

This memoir offers survivors insight, strength, and practical guidance through:

• Navigating the emotional and legal toll of an abusive relationship and custody battle
• Understanding how systemic misogyny and judicial bias operate in family court
• Recognizing early red flags of abuse and manipulation
• Strategies for protecting yourself and your children—physically, financially, and legally
• How to build a support system and become your own best advocate
• Empowering reminders that you are not alone—and you are stronger than you think

Courageous and heartbreaking, this book is a testament to resilience and the unbreakable spirit of those who refuse to be silenced. For anyone who has faced injustice, this book is a beacon of hope and a battle cry for change.

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Category: On Writing