On Writing Always Hungry

Always Hungry was the book that I had to write. No longer could I be silent about my own lived experience in a larger body because (at the risk of making a bad dad joke) I realised that this story was bigger than me. Mine is a story of reclaiming my health, of discrimination, of overcoming shame, of rebuilding, of life after divorce.

For over a decade I hid the story of my past weight gain and loss. Why, you ask? One reason: shame. Mountains of shame, carried for far too long, and it was time. Time to make peace with my past, time to share what I’d learnt along my sometimes-comical path of weight loss, and time to muster the courage to reveal the parts of myself that I had buried long ago. It was time to heal. 

When I was obese people were rude. Overt discrimination was common, and it hurt. Now, as a slim white woman, people are kind, helpful, welcoming, and it’s not ok. In fact, it’s revolting. Revolting because my external form is now the cultural ideal. I’m deemed worthy. Worthy of taking up space. At a bar ordering a drink I can smile, and service is prompt. I smiled when I was fat too, but often I’d be the last one served at the bar, not the first. Coincidence? No.

I knew that my story must be shared. Discrimination against the obese is rampant, systemic, and abhorrent. When one person judges another in a larger body, are they even aware that they are being assholes? I wondered at the time, and I wonder still. After all, biases are often unconscious. They’re also not always overt, but I assure you, they hurt just the same. 

Revealing my tale of weight gain and loss has taken a fair dose of courage on my part, and for many reasons. I was acutely aware that my ex-husband would not be thrilled as I recount the tale of our divorce. Naturally, certain intimate details have been omitted in order to protect my three children. I was also aware that my former in-laws may not be thrilled. Let’s face it, former or not, no one wants to knowingly upset their mother-in-law. That’s just asking for trouble! Between my ex-husband (who is a good bloke) and my ex-in laws (whom I still love!) I was aware that I may rock more than a couple of boats when this memoir is released.

For the longest time I had wanted to forget about my former obese body. You see, my disordered eating was driven by a desire to escape. I sought emotional comfort in food—looking for love in all the wrong places, because it sure as hell wasn’t found in the fridge.

Perhaps not surprisingly (and possibly saddest of all) is the fact that I feared rejection in revealing my prior weight struggles. Rejection from past lovers and my boyfriend at the time of writing. Fear that they would no longer find me desirable. Lord knows the world certainly didn’t when I was obese (for the most part anyway). You see, I was at my heaviest nearly two decades ago, while living in Australia. No one here in Canada had ever seen me in a larger body, and many simply didn’t believe me when I told them that I was once obese. 

Mine is a unique position to be in, and I’m also aware that by writing this memoir I can use this tale for good. I can challenge everyone to see past the physical form to the soul within when next they meet a person in a larger body, who—God forbid! — isn’t deemed culturally acceptable. Just when will we extend the same kindnesses and compassion to all, irrespective of a person’s external form? 

I remain proud of the fact that I lost a shitload of weight by using a combination of common sense, moderation, and a bloody lot of walking. By rejecting the diet culture absurdities, and by making small, healthy, sustainable changes that led to my substantial weight loss and maintenance this past decade. I’ve proved that reclaiming ones’ health is possible, and possible without dangerous, extreme medical interventions or medications.

I hope to cut through the diet culture noise, the madness and nonsense of it all, and offer hope of another way. Weight loss is possible without crazy crash diets or stomach stapling, and it’s possible to keep it off. Zero judgement from me if you do take that path, but I chose not to. Now, I won’t lie, it’s not always easy, but is life supposed to be easy? No, I don’t think so—at least not all the time. After all, without challenges, how would we grow? Build resilience?

It was time to enter the conversation. I needed a voice, to speak to the questions of health and weight loss. Also to speak out against the ceaseless discrimination, as the pendulum swings again and dangerously ultra-thin is in. Witnessing already slim celebrities embrace the Ozempic craze and promptly fade away, people, as always, aspire to replicate their images. It’s nothing short of terrifying.

For myself the answer is moderation. Kindness. Self-compassion and compassion for others. The answer is unprocessed, real food; it’s taking a walk. And staying the hell away from the diet culture insanity.

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Jane McGuinness is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and mother of three fearless young Australians. A recovering emotional eater, her own therapy consists of escaping to the mountains whenever possible to hike or bike with her trademark enthusiasm for life. North Vancouver is currently home for this Aussie expat who advocates acceptance, gratitude, and kindness above all else, and maintains that a day without laughter is a day wasted.

Always Hungry: How I Lost the Weight and Found Myself

Raw and wickedly funny, this debut memoir details one woman’s recovery from her emotional eating disorder, while navigating divorce, discrimination, motherhood, and the madness that is Tinder dating.

A riot of dark humor beginning with Jane McGuinness’s dysfunctional childhood in outback Australia, Always Hungry explores themes of patriarchy and discrimination against the overweight as it details Jane’s recovery from an emotional eating disorder.

Jane’s journey to find herself is something of a curious social experiment: She walks away from her long-term marriage, returns to grad school while raising her three children in a foreign country, and gradually transforms her health. Readers will find themselves amused and aghast in equal measure as she recounts her experiences hiking the Camino de Santiago through Spain, adventuring in Greece, and subjecting herself to the horrors of post-divorce Tinder dating in her dry, self-deprecating wit.

This debut memoir is truly a transformative journey in every sense, as Jane ultimately discovers that it was never food that she hungered for after all.

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, On Writing