For 29 Years I Hid My True Self, Finding Refuge Only in the Stories I Wrote… Until a Late Autism Diagnosis Changed Everything

by Alina Bellchambers

Writing saved my life.

I grew up in the warmth of my mum’s cosy bookshop, surrounded by stories I loved to read. But no amount of books could stop my mind from betraying me. 

As a child, I struggled a lot, spending many years feeling like I was existing in a kind of fog, where nothing made sense and I was out of step with everyone else – never quite fitting in. 

From an early age I learnt to mask: to copy what seemed “normal,” like forcing eye contact, carefully tracking social cues, and hiding my real thoughts and feelings; moulding myself into whatever best fit each particular interaction.

I became so focused on how others perceived me that my own sense of identity faded. 

By my teens, my mental health had deteriorated so much that my parents pulled me out of school for six months. While the world slept, I stayed awake, writing deep into the night, immersed in fictional worlds. It was my solace and safe space. On the page, I was in control and my mind was at peace.

That refuge grew into my first novel, The Order of Masks, about a mother and daughter on the run, bound to a magical Order that grants them the power to take on new identities – at the cost of their own. Its sequel, The Weight of Crowns, follows their fight to reclaim who they truly are. These stories of fierce women breaking out of roles they never chose came directly from my own struggle to live authentically.

Fighting against prescribed roles is something I know all too well.

I have spent my entire life looking for answers – trying to ‘fix’ my mental health issues by seeing psychologists and trying various medications, but these medications were focused on the symptoms of anxiety and depression rather than the root cause, and as a result those symptoms only became worse. 

Hiding my autistic traits and resulting struggles was making me sick, but the better I was at masking, the better I was at presenting around others and seeming externally successful (e.g. pursuing modelling and acting), the better I felt about myself. 

Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I still couldn’t match what others seemed capable of. It was like being a sprinter surrounded by marathon runners: I couldn’t keep up with them. 

The turning point came at twenty-nine, after a traumatic breakup left me barely functioning with severe anxiety. A psychologist suggested an autism assessment. I was stunned; with a psychology degree, I thought I knew what autism looked like. 

But I only knew the male presentation on which early diagnostic criteria were based. When I finally met a specialist experienced with autistic women, everything clicked.

High-masking autistic women with autism is not uncommon. We often go undiagnosed because we don’t present in the same ways as our male counterparts.  

I wasn’t “overly sensitive”- I had sensory issues. I wasn’t chronically fatigued – I was burned out and emotionally drained, because I was pushing myself to do all the things I thought I should be able to do, that didn’t suit the way my brain was wired. I was in autistic burnout from years of masking. 

The mystery that had weighed on me for nearly three decades suddenly made sense.

Coming to terms with the diagnosis has been very emotional for my family. There is an element of trauma there, because everything could have been so much better for us all if we had known earlier.

My parents feel that they would have made very different decisions and not pushed me so hard to conform, and I wonder what I would be like now if I had had this deeper level of understanding. 

But there is also a huge element of relief, because until then, I had been holding myself to what I now recognise were unrealistic expectations. I had been pushing to fit into a neurotypical mould, and that had nearly resulted in me being sectioned and completely unable to cope. 

Today, I embrace being an autistic woman. I can accept my strengths and limitations, and for the first time in my life, I’m starting to understand who I am as a person. 

I share my story because neurodivergence should never have to be hidden. We are not broken. We do not need to be “fixed.” We need understanding, acceptance, and the freedom to flourish on our own terms.

Alina Bellchambers is an actor, model, and the author of The Weight of Crowns, out now with Pan Macmillan.

The Weight of Crowns

The heart-pounding conclusion to the high-stakes dual POV romantic fantasy duology, with dangerous enemies-to-lovers romance, deadly politics and a war to change the fate of empires.

Two queens. One throne. Who will claim the crown?

On the brink of war, Mira and Scarlett find themselves enmeshed in a deadly world of gods, magic and duplicity, with the stage set for the ultimate showdown.

Backed by her lover Aric and sorceress mother Zandri, Scarlett has Mira right where she wants her. But winning the Ravalian Empire requires spilling a river of blood, and as past secrets and new threats emerge, Scarlett must decide: is claiming the crown worth becoming as poisonous as the death magic she wields?

With Prince Roran’s campaign of terror spreading, only Scarlett has the power to end his tyranny. Even as Scarlett offers Mira a deal she can’t refuse, Mira embraces her dangerous blood magic and enlists the help of devious Prince Cassius. But can Mira trust him with her crown – or her heart?

As the empire hangs in the balance, both Scarlett and Mira are poised to shatter the world order – but there cannot be two queens. And only one will be left standing . . .

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing