I Wanted Something of Him to Survive Me By Marcy Kelly

I didn’t start out to write a book or a memoir. It began with me jotting down memories of my son as they popped into my head.

Michael, who was forty-five when he was found dead in his apartment, was my only child, my greatest joy, and I adored him. He was whip-smart, and he had an impressive sense of humor. Keeping up with him was a challenge. Growing up, he played many sports, mostly soccer, basketball, and football, but his favorite was golf. As an adult, he worked in location management for film and television, mostly feature films. 

He brought light to my life. And when he died, everything went dark for a long time.

I had lost grandparents, both my parents, and an ex-boyfriend before Michael died, but it wasn’t the same. At first I denied that he could be dead. After I saw his body and knew it was him, it was as if the world had come off its axis. Nothing made sense. I didn’t know where to turn, what to do. I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t even say aloud that he had died.

There was so much waiting. First, I had to wait days to see his body and confirm it was him, then there was a delay in getting a death certificate, which didn’t list a cause of death because the coroner’s office hadn’t issued their final report. That took another four months. 

While I was waiting to learn what had killed him, I started writing down memories. I didn’t want to forget them or have time muddle or distort them. Flashbacks flooded my head, many from when he was quite young. Because Michael was an only child and didn’t leave a wife or children, I decided that I would somehow document his life for his friends and family.

The writing was often painful, but little by little, it started coming together. There were times when I became so emotional that I had to get up and leave my computer for hours or days. Ultimately, writing the book, along with participating in grief sessions with other parents, helped me. It allowed me to put the weight of the pain onto the page. When the book was finished, I realized that the process had been therapeutic and had enabled me to find some light at the end of that proverbial tunnel. 

That doesn’t mean I found meaning in Michael’s death, which was finally diagnosed as a heart attack. I didn’t. In his memory, I did set up a golf scholarship at his alma mater. And I funded a people and pet stone drinking fountain along the LA River where he used to hike. Embedded in the fountain are tags from all the dogs we loved and lost over the years that I found among his mementoes. There are three water levels: one at adult height, a second for children and wheelchair users, and on the ground is a dog dish and spigot. It’s nice to sit nearby and watch people and their dogs drinking from it. Michael would like that.

About Marcy Kelly

Marcy began her career working in communications and press relations at US government agencies in Washington, DC. When actor and philanthropist Paul Newman asked her to be the director of his charitable foundation, she accepted and relocated to Los Angeles. From there, she led several nonprofit organizations concerned with media, social, and health issues. 

Eventually, she changed direction, studied creative writing at UCLA, and earned a Master of Fine Arts degree from Antioch University. She writes fiction and nonfiction. Her short stories have been published in magazines and collections. Seek Higher Ground was featured as Story of the Week in Narrative Magazine. Her co-written script, Fool Me Twice, won the Producers Guild of America Best Screenplay Award. Essays on topics including grief, trauma, and loss have appeared in online publications. Marcy lives in Los Angeles, where she hosts Meet the Author events. She is active in charitable causes and plays bridge when time permits.

The Porcelain Heart: A Memoir of Unexpected Loss is her first book.

Learn more at Marcy’s website: https://www.marcykelly.net

The Porcelain Heart: A Memoir of Unexpected Loss

When Marcy learns her beloved forty-five-year-old son, Michael, has died, she refuses to believe it. He was her only child. Later, she blames herself because she didn’t recognize the signs of his illness. She has disturbing dreams about not saving him and spirals through the various stages of grief as she waits months for the coroner to render a cause. But the fifth and final stage of grief, Marcy rejects. In her mind, if she accepts Michael’s death, he won’t ever return.

The Porcelain Heart chronicles her raw emotional journey the year following Michael’s death. Marcy endures all the firsts without him—the holidays, his birthday. She joins grief groups, remembers frightening and fun times together, questions whether she was a good mother, and tries to distract herself with travel. She creates a golf scholarship in his name and commissions a stone people and pet fountain to be built on the path where he used to hike.

Her journey culminates when she takes his ashes to his favorite place, a lake in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and finally begins moving toward acceptance.

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Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing